rambling thoughts on a stormy day

It's difficult to know what is real and what is perception. If you dive very deep into philosophy it's difficult to tell how many tricks your mind plays on you. If you delve very far into physics it's hard to distinguish reality or even existance. If you dig into the study of religion the lines of Faith blurr with the lines of brainwashing. If you recount your own life adventures it's hard to even define self when you sometimes can't recognize the person you are. When I was little I remember thinking I wanted my life to be more difficult. Silly, I know. I was gifted with a wonderful childhood. Again, perception might be different for different people. But I know I am blessed. I know without doubt or reservation and with 100% belief that if I ever really needed it, any of my family would be there for me, no questions asked. It doesn't come out on paper very well. If you don't know the feeling, you can't understand the enormity of it because it doesn't fit into words. It's family, and it's my family. I used to wish my life was more difficult so others could see my strength when I overcame trials, like I could see my mother's strength. I haven't met a person to hold up against her that comes close. It's something you feel, like knowing the bedrock of the earth is below your feet, strength. I wish every one could see her the way I do, the way she is. Not a perfect person, not a flawless one, a truly good person with hidden strength. I think God knew what he was doing when he made my beginning easy. He knew I wasn't strong enouph. He has sent me trials and I have failed some of them, some of the big ones. But I am getting stronger, and there is strength hidden inside me. For as long as I can remember praying, I remeber asking God to use me and to give me the strength to be His tool. You know the saying "be careful what you ask for"? I am still flawed and still weak, but I will do my best to be ready. I am anxious for what is to come...